Last week, I was an emotional wreck. I really prided myself in being calm, cool, and collective (more so than during my PMS times) during this pregnancy...and even Ryan has acknowledged that. Even during the CRAZY nauseous times, I still had to go to clinic, treat patients etc without complaining or compromising my schedule...because I didn't have any other option. I still had to take board exams, sneak food in the bathroom during it, and ended up passing! So I feel like the majority of this thus far, I've been able to have a hold on my emotions. Until...last week.
Life is stressful right? I mean duh. I guess that adds to the beauty of it all. But man oh man, did I underestimate these hormones or what?! I encountered some...difficult conversations with people and found myself tearing up and being able to hold back OR completely breaking down to the point of hyperventilation-crying..you know..that UGLY cry (haha). Ryan was always there of course to help soothe it all but I think I've apologized to him more this week than ever. Honestly though, through the crying rants, I think my week was successful if I didn't BITE anyone's head off which...believe me, was a hard filter to maintain considering my crazy emotional state!
It wasn't just the uncontrollable crying during the stressful times. Oh it happened during the beautiful happy times too. Like when I passed boards. Then when Ryan took me out to dinner to celebrate, I just looked at him & he told me how beautiful I was, then I cried. Cried cried cried...oh gosh. I could fill the ocean with how much I LOST it this week. Then I had this dream...that makes me tear up just thinking about it.
I've always had vivid dreams growing up that has continued as an adult. Dreams that have caused me a lot of joy but also anguish to the point of crying. I've even had lucid dreams which scare me the most because I just wanted to wake up...which is great now that Ryan hears me, because he wakes me up and soothes me. So imagine being pregnant with increased hormones just flowing freely with my history of vivid & lucid dreams.
The dreams have become WAY more intense...even violent...gruesome...disturbing. I started my own research and even did my Grand Rounds presentation on the power of dreams...mainly their purpose and utilizing them to start healing. Without getting into the nitty gritty, dreams are POWERFUL & there are numerous theories out there stemming from Freud and Carl Jung (pioneers of psychoanalysis) trying to understand their purpose.
The pattern I found with increased vivid dreams that occur during pregnancy is that it's your body (mind's) way of helping you deal with a lot of unresolved feelings, worries, emotional issues, before embarking on this amazing journey as a mother...where a lot of that stuff needs to be dealt with inorder for you to give your all to this little tiny human being. It made total and complete sense to me.
But the dreams continued and it was difficult. I started to see a lot of things in myself...insecurities...flaws that were brought to the surface as well as a lot of hidden and "locked" up traumatic events that I thought I overcame...but apparently still harbored. Being able to share all these feelings with Ryan has been therapeutic in itself but also just meditating on all the steps I still had to go before giving my all to my baby has also been rejuvenating....and very very very very very difficult. I prayed very hard every night for God to take some mercy on me...some of the dreams were so hard for me to deal with that I felt as if I couldn't bear it anymore! And on Wednesday, March 21st, He answered my prayers and gave me some insight.
My dream that has given me peace & hope--> I dreamed that I was with 3 or 4 other people (don't remember who exactly but it wasn't with Ryan) and I was about 6-7 months pregnant. We were all just sitting around and everyone was feeling the baby move...kicking...punching..doing some karate :) Then it was like I entered this weird twilight phase and I could see through my belly and I saw our baby! Didn't see all the blood, placenta, umbilical cord etc but just a beautiful BEAUTIFUL gorgeous baby with lots of dark brown hair, big cheeks, and big almond eyes. I didn't know if it was a girl or boy. But the baby and I looked at each other...he/she looked up at me from my belly and we communicated. Not like he/she started talking or I was talking but almost like telepathically. The baby asked me if he/she should stay or if I wanted him/her to leave and come out right now. I literally could feel my heart racing while feeling the hummingbird flutter of my baby's heart against my abdomen. I looked down at him/her and begged for them to stay and said "Just wrap your arms around me and I'll keep you safe...it's too soon to come now." And my sweet and beautiful baby just wrapped their arms around my abdomen and closed his/her eyes. Then I came back into reality with my 3-4 friends around me commenting on how exciting it was to be a mom one day. Then I woke up.....and you guessed it...in tears.
I felt..FEEL so grateful. It's always been a worry of mine. And these dreams I've been having haven't given me as much hope...so this dream is what I truly NEEDED. I still get emotional writing this dream..reflecting on it...the image of our baby is still seared into my mind.
Now when I get scared, nervous, worried, anxious, angry...etc etc about ANYTHING pregnancy related or not, I just close my eyes, picture that beautiful face, and rub my preggo belly & an overflowing of peace floods my heart....I realize that no matter what, it's all going to be ok. And I'm going to be the best mom I am meant to be <3
0 comments:
Post a Comment