a little body!

Baby Dough at 8 weeks (Feb 6th 2012)

02/06/2012

I got to hear your heartbeat today and see your little body forming with my help. I cried like a baby. Since what happened last time, I knew that I needed this ultrasound to confirm that everything was okay before I really wanted to tell anyone about you.

Hearing the hummingbird flutter of your heart made me feel like everything was going to be okay and that all this was worth it. All the financial insecurity, debilitating nausea, and fatigue was all worth it so that I can hear your heart beat over and over again.

The nausea and symptoms were already getting better anyways.

I had to share your first photo shoot with the people that knew about you as soon as possible. It already felt like the start of my “mamarazzi” days. 

I hope I’m taking good care of you and will get to meet you in September. My heart is already so full of love for you, I can’t imagine how much more love I can have when I get to see your face, hear your cries, and feel your heartbeat.

  

02/09/2012

I get a phone call today from the doctor that helped me meet you on Monday. She said everything looks normal BUT my progesterone, which is suppose to nuture you and take care of you, is on the lower end of normal. With my medical history, they want to give me progesterone as a precaution.

I cried immediately after the phone call. There was no way I could lose you now. I felt disappointed in my body. I’ve been so healthy…lost all my extra weight…ate very healthy…and yet my body does not know how to carry a baby? It was frustrating and I started to feel insufficient.

I had your dad pick up the progesterone right away. I never want to take hormones because I know all the side effects of them, but I couldn’t take the risk. Your dad and I spent a night crying over all the possibilities…he was fully supportive of me taking this risk for you.

I began to pray. Praying hard…crying…praying harder…crying. This couldn’t be it. I know that if it was inevitable to happen, the progesterone wouldn’t completely prevent it.

I started the hormones and all my symptoms came back with a vengance. But I kept in mind that you were growing happily and getting all the nutrition you needed. I was hoping that it would be enough…that my body would be enough. We couldn’t lose you now.