papier mache: my story...

Sept 20th :)

You’ve heard the term supply and demand right? I’m not an economics person so pardon my cheesy comparison. Well in my breastfeeding experience, there was high supply, high demand, and a high price. This pretty much describes our journey together...Estella & I.

As soon as I pushed her little body out , we did skin-to-skin as soon as we could. My boob ratio to the size of her head and mouth was already a dead giveaway that this was going to be a challenge (a “blessing” & a curse). What I thought was a good latch the first 2 days in the hospital was a HORRIBLE latch. I found out later that I would soon pay for it. It worked out (sarcasm here) when the poo-ey lactation consultant never showed up. I heard she sucked anyways (sorry but it’s true), but it would have been nice to know that we didn’t get the latch right.

Estella’s pediatrician showed up (we love him btw) and gave me a breastfeeding book. Huge points for him! We knew we chose the right pediatrician...even though we make quite the drive to see him. Anyhow, little did I know, days later, the book would be my go-to savior (Great book!).

Hiding her face while nursing.

By the 3^rd day, it happened. My boobs expanded to the size of alien out of this planet sized boobs and they were rock hard and I thought they were going to explode! It was an extreme amount of tension plus I found out later that being “blessed” only allowed them to expand EVEN more....greeeaaaat. I started feeling all these nasty hard nodules and my milk sprayed everywhere. It was so painful. So I pumped to relieve the engorgement. Well...that started an evil cycle that would soon leave us all very fussy.

My freezer was stocked with TONS of breast milk. Estella was NOT gaining weight (not really losing weight though). Her poops were NOT the beautiful mustard seedy yellow you would expect. Ryan and I no longer knew what SLEEP was. My nipples never bled but felt like I rubbed sand paper all over them. And (as many people could attest to), we had a very FUSSY baby.

The beauty of nursing- good cuddles!

And what made it even harder was when we would hear people say, “Wow...she’s so small...are you feeding her?” NO..WE ARE STARVING OUR NEWBORN...dummies. Or the very annoying, “Don’t worry, she’ll catch up.” What does that even mean?! I knew in my heart as her mother, my worry was not in vain.

Being the paranoid and worrywart that I am, I researched. I read. I consulted with other moms. I contacted a lactation consultation over the phone. We had weekly visits to her pediatrician (who also showed some concern-thank goodness). Then I went to a Breastfeeding USA meeting. I was determined to fix her latch. I found out quickly that wasn't the only problem. We had an "over-production" problem too...too much of a good thing really is a problem.

I still remember clearly the emotions I had while breastfeeding. So many moms were encouraging me and telling me, “It gets better, I promise! You’ll love breastfeeding!” I would just roll my eyes. You mean...I’m going to love feeling like my boobs are going to explode, deal with the painful plugged ducts I had numerous times, my scabbed nipples, OH and everyone telling me that I’m starving my baby?! WHEN AND HOW?!

Cubs Game

I would wake up to feed her in the middle of the night, prop myself up in bed, and as she was nursing, feel the tears come down my face like a waterfall as I tried to sweetly and calmly tell her, I loved her and that the pain and exhaustion was worth it. Sometimes, Ryan and I would look at each other and I could tell he felt helpless because Estella would nurse for 45-60 minutes at a time every 2 hours.

By the time she was done nursing, I only had time to pee, quickly eat, and put a hot compress on my boobs to relieve pressure or apply the massive amounts of lanolin nipple cream before the whole process started again.

When I went to the breastfeeding meeting, I tried to hold my composure as I witnessed all these women freely nursing their newborn-toddler babies. When they asked me to share my story, I just cried. I begged them to help me get to where they were. Confident. In charge. And most of all, in enjoyment... I yearned to feel the bond that all these women talk about.

After having a natural labor & delivery, I thought breastfeeding was going to come easy for me. Needless to say, it took 8 weeks of hard work and an extreme amount of support from my mom, husband, mother-in-law, sister-in-law, pediatrician, and friends.

Estella and I have mastered the art of breastfeeding. We are a team. Once I figured it out, she followed my cues. My body healed and continues to provide her with the nourishment she desires and needs. We had formula ready if needed, but we are proud to say we didn’t need to supplement. Once we fixed our issues (here’s my previous blog with more details- my over-production problem), Estella had large and consistent weight gain and now we are PROFESSIONALS. We can nurse in the ergo (hands free), in almost every position (side-lying professionals = sleep for everyone!), and anywhere and everywhere (even on a moving farm tractor!).

Her personality started to blossom into the sweet and happy baby that she is today and we didn’t even get her into all her clothes before she outgrew them all! I can’t imagine a day without nursing her. To some people, we spoil her, but to Ryan & I, we give her exactly what she needs with faith, that it will be enough.

I am so honored by the stories of all these brave and bold mamas and their willingness to share.

This awareness project was not meant to single out moms that don’t breastfeed or make breastfeeding look superior in any way. It’s really about breaking down walls that it’s not a normal and natural thing to breastfeed in public (with or without a cover). I rarely ran to hide in a room to nurse her or felt that I had to huddle in a bathroom stall....hearing stories like that breaks my heart that our society cannot embrace the beauty of just giving your baby what he/she needs.

CloudGate in Chicago, IL

I hope that you have been inspired. If it is your goal to breastfeed your baby, I hope you have seen through the different stories shared by all these wonderful mamas, that it is a goal you can achieve for however long you decide to do it.