pregnancy & my "fitness"

Weight loss. Weight gain. Food. Weight Gain. then weight loss. then food...

That's always been a constant struggle in my life. 

From my family doctor telling me (who was also Asian) "You're NORMAL but you're big for an Asian" haha Um thanks?

I love being Laotian...I make sure to always represent my culture by being able to communicate in my language, cook the food, and my strong family values. But oh boy. Do they tell you like it is or what?! 

"Your face is so pretty...you should lose weight so it all matches."

A couple more recent comments...

"Wow I'm so surprised you didn't blow up like a whale cause you're pregnant!"

"Don't wear that, it shows your big belly, no one wants to see that." (referencing my pregnancy)

"I could tell you were having a girl because in Laos culture, if your face gets big and you are always eating, it's a girl...and that's you."

So do you kinda get why I've had to grow some thick skin? Yeah. 

I just laugh about it now. 

The confidence I have in myself isn't something I gained over night. It's a lifelong process I still have to maintain and work on. Do I think I am God's gift to earth or do I think I am the scum of the earth? None of the above at all. Did I struggle with self worth? Absolutely...and sometimes it creeps up to haunt me. 

After gaining a ton of weight after getting married and suffering from some anxiety from a previous event, I looked at pictures of myself disgusted. Not only did I LOOK the part...I felt it. I was dragging. Always tired. My acne was worse than ever..even though it continues to be a struggle..it was out of control. I had joint pain, headaches, muscle aches, constantly getting sick, and I just felt BLAAAAH for more reasons than one. It didn't help that my pants size went up to a 12...and I don't own any so I had to squeeze into my size 10 pants and leave buttons unbuttoned. Poor Ryan having to deal with an unconfident and whining woman! 

So we decided to take control. We did p90x and I dropped 14 pounds but even more went down to a size 6, lost 15% body fat (YESS!), felt stronger, more energized, and so forth! Ryan lost weight too and gained muscle! Yum ;) (haha) My thighs began to lose their thunder, my belly flattened out, arms toned up, and face narrowed!

For me it was always about getting my mind to catch up with my body. Even with my weight loss and all my results, I still had my moments when I looked in the mirror & saw something different. All those voices would come back now and then to haunt me.

My confidence slowly built more after I met Ryan and becoming more healthy. We knew that if we could become healthy internally...it would only take time before it showed externally. Plus, if this is what I tell my patients to do, shouldn't I be a good example too?! 

I didn't want to post this dreaded picture up but oh well!
Left: April 2011 Right: July 2011

Participating in the Warrior Dash June 2011
At my most slim & toned that I've ever been!
This picture will motivate me to get back here post-baby D! 

Then bam. POSITIVE PREGNANCY test. I was scared. Not just for the fact that I could potentially ruin a little baby's life and they could hate me forever...but because I thought...Oh no...here we go again. WEIGHT GAIN. Yes. Call me superficial. I thought about it. WEIGHT GAIN. 

I'm lazy. I know myself. I'll be too busy to take care of myself once the baby comes. I was actually too sick and too scared to lose the baby in the first trimester that I didn't do anything besides the random walks here & there with Ryan & Oliver. 

But now that I am gaining a little belly...I LOVE looking at myself in the mirror more than ever before. It's amazing the work God is doing in me through this tiny little baby who depends on me. 

I am trying to stay healthy...I started prenatal yoga (which has been kicking my butt), refraining from over-eating, and taking long walks with Ryan and Oliver. I'm not going to get back into doing any crazy workouts (cause you shouldn't during pregnancy!) like Insanity/p90x, but I am out of the realm of being self conscious.


I refuse to hide the LOVE GROWING inside of me. 

my two babies:)

Stepping on the scale now is so strange. Rather than wishing the number would go down, I'm hoping the number stays the same or actually goes up! I've actually been struggling with not eating enough because I get full so fast so I love seeing the number rise. 

It's a completely different feeling than I've ever had. My motivation to maintain my health is now not only for me, but for this little being depending on me...while she is in me and when she arrives! 

My dedication to her is parallel with my dedication to my own health. And I can't wait to demolish all those walls of what our society views as "beautiful". My daughter will not go one day without hearing how much I love her & how beautiful she is...just like my mother did for me.