All is left are bits and pieces of events. Like a broken puzzle. I remember just enough to know the context of my childhood but not enough to completely be broken down by it. All in all, I have built this "Great Wall of China" around myself that has closed myself off from society. I have to admit, I am almost always in defense mode...ready to strike at any moment with hurtful words mainly..or that's how I was. I am so surprised I am where I am today...somewhat normal and functional in society:)
My abrasive and tough exterior got me through a lot more rough times but also left a lot of scars in relationships I had with people. The person I am today is definitely not who I was back then...I like to think I am a bit more grown up and refined. But those moments that I've had...and I've had many...where I've used my words to hurt or "defended" myself one too many times have left some of my relationships with "childhood friends" scarred and unfixable. I am plagued by my past...like many are.
I am so fortunate that throughout the whole process of my transformation, I've had constant people that have stuck it through with me. They saw the potential in me...they probably had to love me in the beginning and now (hopefully) enjoy loving me. My best friends, my mom, my brothers, my sister-in-law, my extended family- the unconditional love and encouragement has helped me see the light.
Don't get me wrong. I don't let myself get walked all over. I still can defend myself. I am still seen more as an "outspoken" person. I know what I want in life. I know how to get it and I do. I don't trample on people in the process nor do I use hurtful words anymore to leave scars and make the wound sting. Did I use to? Probably. I won't blame it on my childhood or lack there of. It's an internal struggle I still face everyday.
I married the perfect man. Not only was he fully aware of my past, my personality, my strong independence I became so accustomed to, but he helped expose more of the darkness I tried hiding. He helped me realize I still had this internal torture that I needed to work through. And he continues to do that everyday for me...like no one ever has been able to before.
God has definitely blessed me with these people that continue to remind me of who I really am. I'm not that sad little girl who has a sharp tongue and blames everyone else for her faults anymore. I continue to take responsibility for my past, my present, and my future...even though it hurts.
Then there are those people. The ones I don't like to say are "blessings" but they really are. The people who probe me, constantly test out my progress, who make me feel like that little girl again that needs to lash out and protect herself. They have been there all along...and still come back around. They see me for who I was which isn't their fault entirely. They use words that they know will hurt me. Provoke me.
And sometimes I pass. Sometimes I fail. I may not use words to harm them necessarily but I have become so wrapped up, over analyzing, and slowly killing myself over things that it ends up doing more damage to me. I see that as a failure just as much as if I was to give them a reaction. Holding grudges is what I do best. Forgetting is not something I am capable of doing.
I think that's why I LOVE Elephants so much. I can relate. They are very protective over their loved ones. They have an unbelievable amount of loyalty. They are gentle when they need to be but can crush you within seconds. And they have memories that span lifetimes. I may not remember my childhood to the very last details but I still remember enough. And when people hurt me or try to...there is no going back for me. I will never forget. I can move on. I can forgive. But I won't let it happen again because I will never forget.
My coping mechanisms have definitely improved throughout the years. I use to be internally destructive to ease the external destruction I use to cause. That still didn't help the cause. I was hurting myself over and over again and became more bitter. Then I went to using my husband as a form of ventilation which really helped A LOT but I know it tore him up as well to see the hurt...considering it wasn't a one day thing..I would drag it out to last over days and days. That still happens from time to time...I am still learning.
Then I got pregnant. I already lost one before. I didn't want my own anxieties and self destruction to burn wounds into my little baby so I began this blog. I started becoming more aligned with my faith & listening to more positive and uplifting music. I started incorporating moments of meditation into my life. I started to put my energy towards the things that mattered. An unbelievable rush of calmness flooded me like an ocean. This little baby was the final missing piece to my therapy.
And now I get to rub my good luck charm (my little babes), let a good cry out, take deep breaths, talk to my amazing and loving husband, and use words that will no longer hurt...will not pierce through them like the words that they've used towards me...and trust me..ohhh it's difficult. That 1-2 mins of VICTORY that I feel when I get to lash back sometimes feels MORE worth it than the long term effects of NOT doing that. But I don't.
So yes those people are just as much of a blessing as the people who love me unconditionally. How else would I know the progress I am making in my own life unless I am surrounded by adversity?
Like my blog title insists, I am a work in progress. I am a piece of crumpled up paper slowly taking form into something more pleasing...more appealing...more God-centered...and more of an example to my future daughter who right now depends on my life for hers.
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