our life...

I realize that I have been MIA on this blog for quite some time now. Between working 15-25 hours a week from home, breastfeeding every 2-3 hours, mid-day naps (hehe), and witnessing all the little new things Estella discovers about herself and the world around her...my blog has unfortunately been kicked to the side a bit (all for good reason of course).

Ryan and I still look at each other in awe that we created this beautiful being that has now flipped our life upside down in a million ways. Yes things that we once thought were easy are now a task. For example, something as simple as eating dinner at the same time. Now it’s...”Who wants to eat first?”

We would both agree that our life together as a family of three is at its PEAK!

Do I miss some things of my previous life?.....hm maybe. Ok fine I’ll admit it...Yes I do miss some things. I miss being able to meet my friends in Chicago on a whim to hang out at all the random get togethers, I miss seeing my family as easily as I wanted to before, I miss being included in invites even though I prefer to spend time at home with Ryan and Estella, and I miss being able to be on time even though everyone in the world knows I won’t. (haha)

Are all those things worth it for me? No..not at all.

I catch myself talking about all the fascinating things Estella has done...noticing her hands, yellow mustard poops, rolling over, etc etc to my family and friends who don’t have any kids...or probably don’t want to necessarily hear about it. I have flooded FB and instagram with daily photo shoots of her every single day. I am absolutely obsessed with her...yet I forget that maybe the world around me doesn’t share the caliber of my obsession other than maybe Ryan and Estella’s grandparents.

I am realizing that having normal conversations are actually difficult so maybe it’s a good thing I have been quarantined from society...however, I actually don’t think that obsession will be become any less but actually exponentially grow and I’ll be even more annoying that I am now.

I do have this longing to be apart of a “mommy” community that shares the same views or at least is open to just giving support (even if they don’t share the same views). Now I know why moms always talk about their babies and its difficult to have a normal conversation when I have a baby stuck to boob or fussy because all she wants to do is sleep. Phone calls have been difficult to return because when I do want to, Estella tells me otherwise, then my mind completely wanders from it.

Our lives are completely different now. Even Ryan and I are trying to figure out how to be husband and wife again rather than just mommy and daddy. There is a balance that we are working on achieving and I know with every change Estella experiences, it will be a work in progress in our marriage that continues to evolve as well.

I can say though that it is amazing to go through this parenthood journey together. We’ve both realized that this has been the hardest job we’ve both been blessed with but it is also the time in our lives where among the hardships, we are our happiest.

Every little grunt...every time she caresses my chest with her little hands...every time she flashes a big smile...or makes the sweetest (and even not so sweet) coos and cries...our hearts drop and we fall in love so deep over and over and over again...

The tragedy that occurred in Connecticut cannot be filled with more sadness and grief than many other tragedies in our history...innocent lives were completely wiped away in an instant.... and as a country we ask WHY or we share ANGER with the parents who are grieving...

Every night since then I’ve held Estella a little longer...I’ve rejoiced in the fact that I get to hear her cries even if they came every 2 hours in the middle of the night...I find myself being OK with a messier house, dirty dishes, laundry bins filled to the brim because they are all signs of LIFE...I found myself smiling every time she started getting fussy when she was over our tummy time because I knew as soon as I picked her up she would be comforted...I enjoyed changing her cloth diapers and getting poop on my clothes because I knew I was giving her nutrition and she was growing...I became grateful that she needed me to hold her to sleep rather than falling asleep on her own because I know all those parents that lost their loved ones just want them back..

Overall, I am just grateful that I still have Estella. I still get to enjoy all her ups and downs while other parents are burying their babies. My heart still hurts realizing that is a reality for the innocent lives lost.

This holiday season we get to celebrate her life with ours..her first Christmas..her first everything. And for that, I thank God everyday...